Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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