There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
