just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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