I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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