I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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