Sponge bath it is.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
