I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
