i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
