btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
