I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
