the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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