I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
