i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
