chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i drank out of a bidet.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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