yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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