Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
