I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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