Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
