I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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