I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
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