I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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