This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
