so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
