honey bunches of taint.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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