i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
