I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
