Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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