Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
