I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
