You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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