I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
