apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
