Swine flu. Run for my life!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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