Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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