Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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