I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
