I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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