i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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