life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
