I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
