I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
