drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
