I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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