goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
