Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
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