I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
