I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
