She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
