I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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