I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
