I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
