there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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