This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
