I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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