Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
