last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
